New Years Best Practices for Dads (pt. 6)

Here is my final post in my series on best practices for dads. I hope you've enjoyed it. And be sure to ready this one, it is THE most important practice...

6.  The greatest practice

Lastly, the greatest practice... The greatest gift you can ever give your children is a healthy marriage. Learn to put your wife first. Let your kids see you caring for your wife, serving her, loving her - this will give them a healthy blueprint for their future lives. If they never see a healthy marriage modeled for them, it will be difficult for them to experience one. It won’t be impossible, but none the less, a healthy marriage is the greatest gift you can give them.
Be practical, start dating your wife again. Set up weekly date nights, affirm her and encourage her. Trust me, if you start this practice and continue to work at it, your kids will grow up more secure and confident (and your life will be markedly easier - and more fun... if you know what I mean... and I think you do.

Like I said earlier, am I perfect? No, but I am practicing at becoming a better husband to my wife and a better father to my kids. I love them, and I want to make sure they know that. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have a ton of regrets of things I wish I’d done and said. I haven’t met a single person that on their deathbed said things like, “If only I had spent more time at the office.” or “Gosh, I wish I would’ve spent more time playing golf.”

I, like my friend, love Apple. However, I find the end of Steve Jobs’ life very sad. When finally asked, after living such a private, secluded life why would he want (in fact, pursue) a probing, open, unedited biography to be written about his life. He said simply, “I wanted my kids to know me.”

I don’t want that, I doubt you do either. So let’s start to practice.

New Years Best Practices for Dads (pt. 5)

Well, I hope you had a great Christmas and New Years. As you make those New Year's Resolutions, here's another idea for you dads out there....

5.  Do what you ask of your kids

These last two are probably the most important and sometimes the most difficult. At an early age we teach our kids to say “please” and “thank you”. Yet many times this language is devoid of an adult vocabulary, especially when we’re talking to our kids. We have some ingrained belief that we’re the adult, they’re the kid, they do what we say. This is true, but it doesn’t mean we have to be a jerk about it. If you ask them to do something, say please. If they do... say thank you. We call that manners. And if you want them to do it, you better model it. Things are more often caught than taught.

Okay, now I’m going to hit where it hurts. If we’re all being honest, we’ve screwed up as a parent. My question is, when was the last time you told your child that you were sorry. When you broke that promise, when you lied, when you lost your cool... did you get on their level, look them in the eye and genuinely say that you were sorry? Did you ask for their forgiveness? This practice will go much further than you think. Their love for you will overcome a multitude of mistakes if you just say you’re sorry.

New Years Best Practices for Dads (pt. 4)

And a new day comes another part to the ongoing series for dads. And this one comes at a perfect time with the holidays. So here we are...

4.  Create moments

When I first started having kids a friend with older children told me to cherish the time. He told me the days go by slow, but the years go by fast. I didn’t understand then, I do now. So before life flies by, start a practice of creating moments with your family. Have big traditions, but also create small ones. This year I just started doing what my kids call, “Daddy breakfast”. Every Friday we all wake up a little bit early and I take my kids out to breakfast before school and work. It’s just me and them, and they love it, and so do I. It’s become a highlight of our week.

Someone I consider to be a mentor said that a shared experience and shared goal is better than a normal experience or goal. Think of some of your greatest experiences. Most of them didn’t happen in isolation but with others. Begin a practice of creating goals that incorporate your wife and kids. Make a bucket list that has an entire category of things to do with other people. Instead of hiking the grand canyon rim to rim, do it with one of your children. Instead of going skydiving on your own, go with your wife (this may be possible for some of you - for me that’s laughable). However, I’m sure you can come up with your own goals... so go for it.

New Years Best Practices for Dads (pt. 3)

And today I'm continuing the series of posts on best practices for dads. Here we go:

3. Choose to cheat

Cheating typically has extremely negative connotations, but in this case it’s one of the best practices you can implement into your life. Our lives are crazy. I could work for 18 hours a day at my career and still not get it all done. I could spend 18 hours a day at my hobbies and still not have enough time to be satisfied. I could spend all day parenting and still feel like a bad father at times. I could spend every waking moment with my wife and it still not be enough. The point is, we all cheat something.

We will either cheat our work, our hobbies or our families. If we aren’t purposeful in choosing what we cheat many times we cheat the wrong things. This may sound counter-cultural, but hear me out. Choose to cheat, choose now, and choose well. My advice... don’t cheat your family. Divorce is the number one cause of poverty in America today and has probably created more counseling appointments and inappropriate Halloween costumes than any other single cause. Don’t skip this practice, choose to cheat elsewhere... but don’t cheat your kids and don’t cheat your wife (also, don’t cheat on your wife).

New Years Best Practices for Dads (pt. 2)

So I'll continue my series of posts dedicated to fathers. Here is another best practice that I think we could all stand to work on a little...

2.  Show you care

I’ve heard it said that people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. I think this is true not just in life but also in parenting. It’s important to let your kids know that you care about them. You may think it’s a given, but to them it’s not. Tell them you love them... frequently. When you talk to them, get on their level, look them in the eye and have them look in your eye. Healthy communication is huge in life and it’s huge to kids.

There’s an ancient proverb that says, “Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” We know our treasure by looking into where our time, thought and talk (and many times money) goes. Practice communicating that you treasure your family.

I have a friend that loves technology and loves Apple. He’s owned nearly every Apple device that’s ever been released (even before it was cool). He watches every Keynote and even reads the live blogs as they happen. In fact, he just bought a high tech, intelligent, web enabled thermostat that was designed and created by the original designer of the iPod... yes, you heard that right. It’s a fight for him to not be on a piece of technology while at home. So much so that he created a core value for their home (as this habit was being replicated in his kids). They say that, “Faces are more important than screens.” I love that. I respect that he's seen something he doesn't like and he did something about it. So let me ask you, do your actions communicate that truth or a different one?

New Years Best Practices for Dads (pt. 1)

I was recently asked by a close friend to write an article to fathers for a family magazine they're putting together. So I'm going to start a series of posts where I work through the article. Each post will have a best practice that any father can implement in their life. So... here we go:

I don’t know everything, but one thing I know is simply that... the fact that I don’t know it all. I do my best to remember that. I also know that I care very much about being a good husband and father. I don’t know everything about those topics either, but since I do care about those topics so much, I try to learn all I can about them. Now, learning is one thing and consistently applying it is another. It’s always this time of year that we begin to think about plans and consistency.

 I’m sure many of you have already thought through some resolutions for 2012. Maybe some of you have even written them down. Right now gyms across the nation are increasing memberships as people think about who they want to be (and what they want to weigh) in 12 months. So in thinking about fatherhood, I know the cliché thing to do would be to write about some goals or resolutions for the year. But for me, that rarely works.

 Instead, what tends to work for me is when I practice at something. Whether it be sports or business related, when I think in terms of practices that I can continue to work on as if they’re drills, I tend to get incrementally better. So I’m going to do my best to break this down and give some simple ‘best practices’ for fatherhood.

 Most (if not all) of these best practices have been born out of failure. One of my saving graces is that I’m competitive to a fault and as stubborn as they come. So when I fail at these, I just keep practicing. I challenge you to do the same. So without anymore delay, here are a handful of fatherhood best practices:

1. Be present

There have been several times that I’ve been at home, playing with my kids on the floor and yet been somewhere else completely in my mind. I’ve sat at dinner engaging in conversation and yet be playing out a disagreement at work in my head. This practice will hopefully work at eliminating that behavior.

I remember first reading a Biblical account of God telling telling His man, Moses, to go to the top of a mountain. God planned on meeting Moses there, and then it said something odd. God told Moses to go to the top of the mountain and then to be there. Now, either God is pulling a lesson from the school of redundancy school or this ancient narrative is trying to say something. We have an uncanny ability to be someplace... and then to not be there.

When you’re home... BE HOME. Leave work at the office where it belongs - especially at key moments. For instance, when you pull up from work each day DO NOT walk into your home while on the phone. I’ve learned this the hard way. There is no worse thing than for your kid to run up to you, so excited to see you only to get the, “Hold on, be quiet, Daddy’s on an important call” response. All your child hears is, “You’re not as important as this call, you’ll have to wait.” If you have to, drive around the block and finish the call. Then walk into your house, fully present.

Other key moments would be dinner, bedtime, and your children’s events (plays, games, recitals, etc). All of these important moments will change and shift depending on your child’s age and stage of life. However, the practice is always the same - Be Present.

Take Fear Out

I've always done my best to never allow fear to factor in to my life. Now... this is a pretty tall order and I'm not always great at it. Recently as my 1 year old daughter has landed in the hospital with an extremely rare and dangerous blood disease fear has tried to get a foothold in my thought-life. Fear can paralyze you, it destroys faith and it steals joy. Fear has an unbelievable ability to change anything it comes in contact with, like acid it eats away corroding the strongest convictions.

I pride myself in doing everything possible to keep fear out of the equation. However, within the past couple weeks I've (almost unknowingly) allowed it to push thoughts and decisions out of my mind - decisions I know need to be made. Fear this time was more deceiving though. As a Christ-follower I want nothing more than to be obedient to God, and I've allowed fear to wriggle it's way into that desire.

Sometimes we allow the fear of making a wrong decision keep us from making the necessary decision. This is exactly what I've been doing. So I've changed my prayers. Instead of asking God about my decision, I'm believing in faith that He's given me the answer (because in an honest moment, He has) and I'm planning on making that decision. My prayers until I make this call are now, "God, this is what I'm going to do... and if I'm wrong, if I'm being a dumb sheep unwittingly going astray, please come and bring me back on path. Close doors that no man can open. But otherwise, here I go."

I trust God is big enough to cover for my stupidity if I'm wrong. But God isn't going to have the conversations for me, I have to put feet to His desires. So here we go, fear isn't an option. I don't care about any "what if", I'm going to be obedient. No more fear for me...